Marital Conflict

We will call them Bob and Sue. They represent a typical couple who might come for counseling because they are at odds with each other. I have a couple in mind but I have changed the circumstances

enough so as to protect their identity. Consider their situation.

Bob worked hard as a farmhand. His hours? He worked 12 hour days from 6am - 6 pm, 6 days a week. Unlike some farmhands, he was paid well, had good benefits and was greatly appreciated by the owners of the farm. Unfortunately his wife had nothing good to say about his job because he worked too many hours. But Sue did appreciate the fact that once he was home at 6 pm he was attentive to the family's needs in about every way possible. And he never worked Sundays so they went to the church house every Sunday, participated in the fellowship and corporate worship plus had family time every Sunday evening.

Bob heard Sue complain daily and he usually was patient with her but one day he was so frustrated with her that he used the "d" word in the heat of the moment. Sue could hardly believe her ears. "Bob are you serious?" she asked. "Would you really divorce me?"

And Bob said, "well, no, but I can't take your ranting and raving over my job constantly. I like my work, feel like I am taking care of our family's needs, but I never get a sign from you that you are grateful."

Well Sue did feel bad and apologized but the matter never got settled. It kept coming up so they sought me out for help.

Marital conflict can be deadly to marriages. I felt like Bob and Sue were heading for disaster. Bob admitted to me, in private, his desire to be affirmed by Sue for working so hard was desperate. In fact, the owner's sister frequented the farm often and she was so nice to him and complemented him for being so conscientious and hard working. He felt attracted to her because of it. It scared him. He was fearful of an emotional attachment developing.

James 4:1 - "What causes fights and quarrels among you? aren't they caused by the selfish desires that fight to control you?"

After studying this verse with Bob and Sue I asked each of them to describe what desire they were not getting fulfilled because they perceived their partner was standing in the way. Sue desired to have her husband be like her dad. Her dad worked at a Chrysler plant as a union worker on the assembly line. She grew up thinking 40 -50 hours a week at $40 per hour was normal. What more can I say. Bob could never live up to her expectation. Bob admitted he desired Sue's affirmation.

So how do these desires cause conflict? James 1:13-15 "When someone is tempted, he shouldn't say that God is tempting him. God can't be tempted by evil, and God doesn't tempt anyone. Everyone is tempted by his own desires as they lure him away and trap him. Then desire becomes pregnant and gives birth to sin. When sin grows up, it gives birth to death."

Desires act like traps. "What I want" turns into "I must have." A demand is a morphed desire. It controls. It becomes the thing one lives to have or to serve. Ezekiel 14 refers to them as "idols of the heart". "I must have" gets possessive and judges the spouse who denies them getting it.

Sue judged Bob as a deficient husband. Bob determined Sue to be inadequate as his wife. And the last morph of a desire is from judgment to punishment. Bob and Sue punished by using cutting words when they fought. Others abuse each other physically. And yes unfaithfulness is a form of punishment.

When Bob and Sue became enlightened to this they realized they both were in the wrong. And with more instruction on repentance and forgiveness they became reconciled. It was amazing to see progress once they saw how destructive even good desires become once they take control of the heart. This makes the reality of Proverbs 4:23 critical.

"Guard your heart more than anything else, because the source of your life flows from it". Some good advice to heed. If I can be of help with your marriage with resolving conflict message me.